[ Written on March 4, 2013 ] I first got to think about *death* or more aptly *my mortality* during my recovery when I was 27 I think. I didn't feel a need to blog about it until I reached my early 30s. But then, everyone around me was married and many with kids, and I felt like I was sort of *drifting* through life with nothing Permanent about it.
I am still pretty much a "Seeker" searching for answers, trying to find the right "frame" for this life I'm living in. But one little glimpse into a rather unsettling truth came when I read this passage:
The Myth Of Permanence
Somewhere between birth and age 21 we get this crazy idea that someday everything will be permanent. We have an especially strong belief that this is true if we are Adult Children/Co-dependents. In fact, if we came from a dysfunctional family, this myth rules our lives. It's sort of like Ponce de Leon searching for the Fountain of Youth. It doesn't exist, but we go after it with all our heart and soul anyway.
This search for permanence is actually a normal phase of the late teens, 20s, even early to mid-30s. But in Adult Children it becomes a huge, overwhelming, all-consuming obsession. We seek permanence in our friendships. We seek career permanence. We seek permanence in our feelings, attitudes and belief systems. we confuse healthy identity clarification with a much more rigid fear-driven need to have everything fixed for life. The sad thing is that this is not possible. Things change. People grow and develop ... even after the teen years.
For us Adult Children, finding the balance between wanting everything to be predictable and permanent and expecting everything to change all the time (no stability at all) is a big challenge.
Sometimes it seems as if we swing wildly between chaos and boredom. In fact, health actually lies in the middle.
If your issue is the Myth of Permanence, consider some of these truths:
1. All relationships end.
2. Approximately every ten years healthy adults go through a life transition in which belief systems, needs, goals and feelings about life can change and evolve, sometimes dramatically.
3. A healthy couple together for 40 years, actually will have four different relationships over that 40-year period because relationships change over time.
4. Your best friend today may not be your best friend two years from now, especially if you get into recovery and she doesn't.
5. Unlike 50 years ago, the company you work for when you first get out of high school or college is not likely to be the company you work for five years later.
6. We will never find someone who completely understands us and who can meet all of our needs.
7. We can never go back to the womb.
Affirmations
I live in a changing world. I can change and grow and still be me. I like learning how to adjust to change. It is a challenge that I can face with confidence, knowing I will not lose myself in the process. I can say goodbye to the past and be sad while saying hello to the present and being glad.
I live in a changing world. I can change and grow and still be me. I like learning how to adjust to change. It is a challenge that I can face with confidence, knowing I will not lose myself in the process. I can say goodbye to the past and be sad while saying hello to the present and being glad.
-- Taken from page 105 of "An Adult Child's Guide To What's Normal" by John Friel, Ph.D. and Linda Friel, M.A.
This book is a total gem! It is my favorite book of all times actually. There is so much practical sense and wisdom in this book. It really is worth its weight in gold!
Anyhow, to wrap it up, I may not have gotten to that point of clarity to write lucidly about Mortality and Permanence. But I know that it's an on-going theme in my life. Hopefully, soon, some day, I will get to write about this in more vivid detail!
Until then, thanks reader! I appreciate your time invested in being here with me!
Love, blessings!
J. Ahn
