I'm surprised that this blog is getting so many views. Thank you Dear Readers (in *Lady Whistledown* voice over), especially to my Singaporean and American readers!
In the past 6 to 7 years, I have lost many family members and relatives. So, this whole topic of 'Bucket List' and the 'Blues' have definitely been a constant force in my mind.
My losses include losing my maternal grandma, a paternal side big aunt, my mother, my father, and my second cat. So Death has been a chronic occurrence.
It's fascinating how my brain is so hardwired to be in 'Living Mode' and not so much naturally wired to be in 'Thinking About Death' mode. I need to make a very concerted effort to keep Death 'alive' in my conscious mind, or it just doesn't happen.
And now that I've head many chances to experience deaths, especially those of my parents, I guess I'm more and more familiar in accepting it and thinking about it. But it still is something I NEED to conscientiously think about.
Reflecting back though, Death was not a REAL thing to me until I lost my high school best friend. Losing her was a shock that lasted 2 full years. My mortality shot through my mind in losing her. The promise we once made to revisit Paris in 1995 or 1996 when we went on our school trip was never going to materialize. And it haunted me that one could die so young. She was only 33 or 34. And so tragic a timing too, as she had just met the love of her life.
Losing my paternal grandfather was perhaps the most natural one. It was the first death and funeral and the first experience of losing someone close to me where there was a long cherished history.
Losing my beagle was the third death I remember next. This one was a kick in my gut. I felt so much physical pain. Unlike the full on grief and cry mode of losing my grandpa, or the haunting feelings that stayed and lingered from losing a best friend... This one was like a real punch I felt everyday for a month. Especially those nights I would hear my neighbor's dog bark upon my arriving home to a dog-less home. I felt such grief that my dog had to die while the neighbor's dog lived.
It's interesting that the human mind is so designed to crave breath, water, air, and nutrition. Even social connection and a lot of ego driven issues and survival issues. But in order to live that Regretless or Regret-Free Life, it doesn't organically happen. One needs to pause these instincts of living; clarify one's values and motivations, and constantly remind oneself that The Days ARE Numbered, that one does not know if this day or the next shall be the one that draws in that last breath.
And with raging wars and territorial disputes across the globe, we're facing a new world order where the past 80 or so years of relative peace and prosperity are no longer sustainable. We've entered back into the Aries/Battle prone era. Our baser instincts and competition for survival have surfaced as the new normal.
For sure, the pandemic phase has ushered us into this new uncertain times and given us some practice run at adaptability. I wonder if these external eruptions actually aid us in gaining more clarity about what makes our lives more complete, fulfilling, and regret free. For me, the Covid lockdown era taught me to really ponder about long term planning and to prioritize health & immune system maintenance.
Now, we're navigating even more complex global geo-political issues. And that sharpens the need for more regular reflection on what makes one's life complete.
To close, I know that Marcus Aurelius is the more popular choice I see online, but I am more impartial to Seneca's quotes. So here are two of them.
And a toast to the sneaky notion of Death & all of its slippery ways that escape my mind.
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